Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp Unites Thousands Against Repeal of Net Neutrality

Screen Shot 2017-11-29 at 12.12.03 PM.png

Last Tuesday, the Federal Communications Commission noticed there was too much happiness in the air with the anticipation of delicious home-cooked turkeys and pumpkin pies. As a result of this unusual upbeat atmosphere, the FCC moved to repeal the Obama-era net neutrality regulation. Under this proposal, Internet service providers such as Comcast, Verizon and AT&T would be able to block websites according to their discretion and charge companies for faster content delivery which could be a terrible blow to the dedicated players of Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp. 

“I just want to have fun and pick apples with my friend Apollo,” sniffled Ashley Rutabega, local 7 year old and Pocket Camp fanatic. “If I can’t access my Pocket Camp world how will I learn how to be a polite and conscientious neighbor? How will I learn to craft a mini cactus? Isabelle and Goldie will miss me and nobody will be around to give them their fish and bugs and fruit and- oh my God they ask for a lot. I don’t even know what ca-catipalism is, but I don’t think I like it!”    

“Pah!” Exclaimed Ashley’s surprisingly tech-savvy grandpa, while putting a parental lock on CNN. “I mean, I’m all for free markets. That’s why i joined the Marine Corps reserves— to protect our fine government, which has graciously rewarded me by taking away my healthcare. But I only just spruced up my campsite enough so that my sweet Ashley would visit me and I’ll be damned if some penny loafer in the big city is going to take away the only purely joyful activity that this dang telephone has to offer.”  

“Whose campsite will I visit if Ashley and Grandpa Rutabega don’t play anymore?” Cried Goldie the anthropomorphic cartoon dog as she handed Ashley the blueprints to a patchwork couch that must be built before she would ever visit her disgusting campsite. “I need that girl and her beloved grandfather. They bring me coconuts, they bring me fruit beetles, they bring me pale chubs; all I have to do is think real hard and what do you know? Here comes Grandpa Rutabega with a present for me, begging me to be his friend because I’m far less catty than the ladies at Shuffleboard Wednesday.”  

Amazingly, Ashley and her Grandpa were not the only two that were united despite their generational gap by this pure little phone app. Animal Crossing: Pocket Camp brought families together across party lines throughout the country on Thanksgiving week. Many traditionally conservative parents refrained from throwing wine glasses at their liberal snowflake children’s heads as both parties agreed they would not allow the government to stand in the way of them having sick hangs with their anthropomorphic friends at luxuriously decorated campsites.
 

To find out how you can support net neutrality, visit https://lifehacker.com/all-the-different-ways-you-can-lobby-to-save-net-neutra-1820801967