“What a Disrespectful Protest” Declares Frat Dude While Wiping Up Tailgate Vomit with American Flag Towel

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As Kyle Ellington Butts IV and his brothers in Delta Rho Alpha awakened for day three of their Wake Forest victory hangover, a collective growl of disapproval rose from the sticky floor of their frat house up to the smoke-stained ceiling, where the PBR rats had grown to an unusual size. As they checked their phones, they realized that another group of football players had decided to kneel during the national anthem. Butts was especially livid, taking out his anger on a particularly stubborn pile of dried vomit near the bathroom door by scrubbing it vigorously with his brand new American flag towel.

"This is unbelievable. It’s utterly disgraceful that players would dare question the morality of those who turn a blind eye to injustice. People DIED specifically so we could stand in unison and honor the flag with an acoustic elementary school cover of the national anthem,” muttered the junior, as he blew a snot rocket into his American flag handkerchief. “Maybe if the players protesting weren’t entitled millionaires, I would consider listening to what they’re trying to say. You know, I’m always incredibly attentive to the needs and opinions of people who are systemically and economically disadvantaged, especially when they work in food, retail and service industries and aren’t celebrities.”

“Well, actually,” snorted Delta Rho Alpha brother and Indianapolis Colts fan Joshua Bedwetter as he pushed up his glasses and pulled out his flag code pocketbook. “It says right here in huge six point font that the flag shouldn’t be used in a bunch of ways that you dirty Patriots fans use it, like for advertising purposes or on athletic uniforms.” Bedwetter lowered his voice. “Besides, I’ve seen Kyle disrespect our country in his American flag boxers during our initiation process waaaaay more than these athletes who are just using their influence to protest in the most peaceful way they can. But don’t tell my brothers I said that, I don’t want to get blinded and whipped with a wet American flag again anytime soon!”


Regardless of the NFL’s checkered history with our striped flag, Butts is positive that he’ll come out on the right side of this debate. “Just like my granddaddy was among the 57% of Americans who KNEW that the Freedom Riders’ demonstrations would be detrimental to racial equality, I’ll have no option but to stand on my tippy, tip tip-toes during the anthem so the flag can swell to insane levels of power,” Butts shouted confidently, as he washed his crusty American flag bedsheets for the first time since they were originally manufactured (in Vietnam) as a patriotic recruitment tool shortly after America invaded Iraq. “Anyways, y’all wanna come to my frat’s ‘Fourth of July in October’ barbecue next week? Last time, I got an over-the-pants handjob in my American flag Chubbies!”