Abstinence-Only Sex Education Big Win for Handjob Lobbyists

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In this modern era, it’s impossible to make teens wait for anything. Whether it’s pirating half a season of Game of Thrones weeks before the premiere or stomping on a McDonald’s counter demanding Rick and Morty nugget sauce, these rowdy pre-humans have no patience. God forbid you ask teens to wait for boring missionary sex, they’ll use all the sexual energy pent up in their horny little bones to tear entire cities apart. One group of hot shot handjob lobbyists teamed up to implement an abstinence-only sex education curriculum that will please God and no one else. 

“We’ve been in cahoots with Marriage on this deal for a long time,” says lobbyist Richard Dreier, trying to hide a smile. “Millennials’ rising interest in dying for late capitalism has been really hurting Marriage. The popularity of handjobs has fallen drastically as well, showing a 9% decrease in the last friskal quarter alone. We’ve been working with Marriage and God very closely on this Abstinence deal, and we’re very excited for the chaste future to come.” 

Not everyone is enthused by the program, however. Local Planned Parenthood activists, university students and even a small group of organic handjob artisans have gathered at the capitol to protest the State’s collusion with Big Handjob. “This is a violation of the constitution! I watched ‘Handmaid’s Tale!’ This is how that shit starts!” shouted one protester. “Tell our teens the truth! Hey hey! Ho ho! These uptight jerkoffs got to go!” chanted another group. 

Other horny millennials took to social media to criticize the powers that be:
 

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Despite all this backlash, the Handjob lobby has been celebrating nonstop all week. “We’ve had some dry and dissatisfying ups and downs this year, and critics said going through the legislature would take too long and we should take it right to the head of the country himself. Look at us now, blowhards!” said Richard Dreier, struggling briefly to pop a bottle of champagne and giving a high five to each and every member of the firm before taking a call from Masturbation to work out the kinks in their plans.