Feeling unduly welcome at an institution that celebrates slimy reptilian predators, white supremacist Richard Spencer was just spotted scurrying into Ben Hill Griffin Stadium holding a bottle of Drano, chanting, “It’s great to be a Florida hater.” Misunderstanding the phrase coined by his president and soulmate, Spencer’s intention was apparently to “drain The Swamp” of its muddy, leftist creatures. However, upon entry, Spencer was saddened to find a shabby and tackily-painted stadium with a striking absence of liberal-infested wetlands.
“We had to come here once I realized the Gator Chomp was already half Nazi salute,” said a despondent Spencer while blinking back fascist tears, which are especially salty due to all the empty ravioli cans he eats while dumpster diving for dinner and political doctrines. “And I just thought in a stadium named after a segregationist, there would be an opportunity for violence against people who somehow don’t think Martin Luther King was a fraud and a degenerate.”
Spencer is known to his followers as Dicky Spencer or simply Dick Dispenser, because of his stated goal to dispense the maximum number of violent dicks. Despite heavy opposition from UF officials, faculty, students and every rational person, Spencer and his pack of spineless sewer rats successfully weaseled their way into Gainesville to put on a rodent circus for all of the other clamoring vermin. While attendance is expected to be smaller than Spencer’s cerebral cortex, the expectation of protests raised the expected cost of security for the event to $600,000 in tuition money. This sum is incidentally exactly enough for UF’s engineering program to build a giant metal boot on behalf of inclusive ideologies that could easily squish the weak little man.
“Nobody asked for this,” stated exhausted UF student Jorge Henriquez, who stands by the suddenly controversial fact that Nazis are unwelcome literally everywhere. “The only thing being ‘drained’ is my tolerance for anything other than respect, understanding and unity with the systematically oppressed. That cretin has no business being here, or anywhere, for that matter. I’ve watched ‘The Man in the High Castle;’ I don’t need to see it in real life.”
Back at the stadium, an evil brigade assembled. Klansmen, grandparents, Pennywise, the Swiss Army of knife fame, the big cards from Alice in Wonderland, an undead platoon of Confederate soldiers, Cerberus the three-headed dog and your fourth grade crush who never learned the lowercase alphabet all united to protect the Nazi darling as he paced back and forth on the field muttering evil gibberish to himself and eight other beige lackeys. This army of hate was soon surrounded by an epic force with hundreds of peaceful protesters, Albert and Alberta Gator riding chariots, Steve Spurrier in flip flops with a flamethrower, and an agile, armor-clad warrior rumored to be President Fuchs. As Gator Bait began to play and a dragon of justice descended from Century Tower, the legions below charged amidst the thunderous battle cry “BASH THE FASH!”
This article is dedicated to the University of Florida students who today are standing together against hatred. You have our support and our gratitude. We’re sorry we called your stadium shabby.