With just a few days before the Presidential inauguration, many performers are either refusing to play during the event or backing out of their commitments. One performer, however, is still determined to sing during the ceremony. That artist is none other than Donald Trump himself, wearing a stained Elvis Presley costume he found in a box labeled ‘NIXON.’ Trump says he always admired Presley’s ability to effortlessly steal rock n roll from black people and call it his own without doing any actual work, a quality that reminds him of his beloved wife.
“He really has gone from Puffy Cheeto to Flamin’ Hot Cheeto this week. At one point he rushed to Barron’s room and demanded he learn the riff to ‘Smoke on the Water’ by Friday,” said Mike Pence as he dusted off his childhood kazoo BeDazzled with swastikas. “He also asked me if I played any instruments, and I told him that I haven’t since I was a Boy Scout. He just yelled ‘SAD!’ and started googling discount Halloween costumes.”
Sources close to the president-elect confirm that Trump has never sang professionally, but that he got desperate after your aunt Becky refused to perform her version of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” - the one she sings when she’s five glasses of wine deep at Thanksgiving and has already blamed every minority group for her second divorce. Despite disguising himself as Elvis Presley by wearing a second wig, Trump insists on only singing “Rasputin” by Boney M. and “There’s a Rumor in St. Petersburg” from the animated Anastasia film.
“All these fake news sites saying Trump is in disguise as Elvis Presley are all talk,” said Donald Trump wearing a Groucho Marx mask. “That said, if Trump wanted to sing a little ditty or two, he would be the best singer. Very musical! I am sure and also positive that my -I mean, HIS inauguration will be the most bigly event.” As Trump attempted to fashion Groucho’s mustache into sideburns, Barron Trump and Mike Pence could be heard harmonizing the final notes of “Crazy Train.”