Thirteen days ago, folks from all walks of life posted drunken selfies on Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook and, strangely enough, MySpace, with captions like “2017 is my year!” and “I will throw hands if 2017 doesn’t save us!” Not everyone, however, has this same level of enthusiasm.
“It’s weird that so many people are claiming possession over me. I mean, we’ve only know each other for 13 days! I’m afraid they don’t actually like me, they just like the idea of me,” said Year 2017 while looking in the mirror and wondering if they were just another Manic Pixie Dream Girl. “Is this my fate? To be idealized by complacent humans until the state of the world becomes worse and I have to take the blame for their inactions?! I’m too young to deal with that rejection and hatred! Can anyone hear me? Help! HELP!”
“I remember when people had these high hopes for me,” said Year 2016, reclining in a ripped office chair clearly salvaged from the side of the road and smoking a cigarette in a poorly lit room with a faded “Be the change you wish to see in the world” poster on the wall. “I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed like Thumper in Bambi. Well, spoiler alert, Bambi’s mom dies, Suicide Squad was released, Donald Trump was elected president, atmospheric CO2 levels did not dip under 400 ppm and millions of innocent lives were taken far too soon at the hands of various government institutions.”
When they thought they were alone, 2016 took a drag from their cigarette and flipped through a photo album of years past, whispering: “I’ve failed all of you. I was given an extra day and second but I still couldn’t make anything right. I’m sorry.” A single tear fell from their face and landed dramatically on the opened album page, right next to a message in 2015’s handwriting that read ‘Whatever you do: Don’t. Take. Prince.’.
“I usually write the wrong year on all of my assignments when the New Year comes around,” commented college student Miley Heron while doodling hearts with the words “Miley + 2017 4ever” in her new planner. “But I’m so excited that 2017 is here to make everything better that I haven’t made that mistake at all!”
Upon hearing this, 2017 laid on the ground and began practicing mindfulness meditation, chanting, “The polio virus is close to eradication. The passage of time and aging of celebrities is not my fault. I belong to no one but myself. Moonlight won the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture. I will make it through.”