It’s that time of year again! While Santa evades child labor laws by calling his workers ‘elves’ and half of America seemingly ignores the fact that not everyone celebrates Christmas, White House staffers are working hard to make what may be the country’s final joyous holiday season special for the first family. They have begun to deck the halls of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with fresh mistletoe, big red ribbons and sparkling lights that will mysteriously burn out on January 21. But at the annual lighting ceremony of the National Christmas Tree last week, President Obama was shocked to see Vice President and confirmed BROTUS Joe Biden scaling the back of the tree as he made his way to the peak to replace the traditional star-shaped topper with an Obama family photo.
“This is for you, Barry!” Shouted Biden from the top of the tree as he swatted at the already illuminated star before wincing at the tiny electric shock it gave him in return. “Y’all are the real stars of this country! The lights of my life! And if they can give an actual socialist FDR a third term but not you, then I’m taking over in 2020! Watch your squamous back, Trump!” He then began struggling to Scotch tape the photo onto a sappy-pine branch, being careful not to obstruct Sunny and Bo.
After slowly tumbling out of the tree and letting his Secret Service detail pick loose pine needles from his hair, Biden continued to praise the first family and challenge Mike Pence to a joust after he “takes this country by storm- a storm named ‘Biden 2020!’” Bystanders were confused by Biden’s sudden change of heart towards running for president, as he previously stated he had no interest in running in 2016 after his son’s passing, but seemed totally okay with him free-climbing a 50-foot tree to prove his love for the Obamas.
“I’m not surprised by anything Joe does anymore,” said President Obama, weaving a special new red and green friendship bracelet for Biden. “At least not since Halloween of 2013, when he accused a four-year-old who dressed up as me of identity theft. But that was only after he mistook the four-year-old for me and revealed classified information to him on accident. One word: aliens. Anyway, he’s a sweetheart; I have to keep the photo on top of the tree. I can’t risk him climbing back up there and hurting himself if it gets taken down. His plan to run in 2020 is the only thing most of us have left to hold onto.”