Must-Buy Item of the Christmas Season: Whispers of Regret From Ghosts of America’s Past

It’s the holiday season again, a time when believers and nonbelievers find common ground in complaining about Christmas music on the radio and their burning desire to get the must-buy toys of the season! This year, analysts have predicted that instead of the new iPhone or Pokemon game, families will flock to their local Walmart or (K-Mart if those still exist) to search for whispers of regret from ghosts of America’s past. Although some of our readers may find it unexpected that such an elusive and seemingly impossible-to-find-without-a-medium  item would create a buying-spree sensation, studies insist that due to the unprecedented clusterfuck of events that is the year 2016,  Whispers of Regret are indeed December’s hot-ticket item.

“It’s been pretty difficult to remain optimistic after the election, which is why I think a portable and contained mass of pure regret from deeds that I was in no way responsible for will really raise my spirits,” winked Jannet Thompson while signing her third change.org petition of the day, this time for every third-party voter in Florida to catch these hands. “For example, did you know that before World War II the United States was playing around with the idea of eugenics? Can you say ‘YIKES’? My generation may have voted a Neo-Hitler into power, but at least we didn’t think one race was better than another. Actually… never mind.”

Unfortunately, shoppers are finding it difficult to actually acquire the Whispers of Regret. Not just because everyone is after them, but because the technology to capture sound has yet to commercialize. Some claim that you can get great deals on American Whispers of Regret in Europe, but these claims have been debunked, as those Whispers of Regret are actually from people currently living in Europe.

“I remember a few years ago, everyone wanted a Zhu Zhu Pet or a Gameboy or for the country’s economy to recover from the Bush administration. Now, all the kiddos want are artisanal mason jars filled with remorse from those that came before them. Don’t these kids talk to their parents?” Cried freshman Johnny Wilksticks, who was definitely not possessed by one of the ghosts from America’s past. “Why can’t the generation that is currently living in their own flesh bodies create their own regrets? We...I mean...those American ghosts don’t want whispers of regret to get out there, otherwise people might really start hating their ancestors.”