After a long, grueling and just really fucked up election season that has definitely taken at least five years off everyone’s lives, the nation let out a unanimous sigh of relief as the results of this year’s presidential race were announced on Tuesday. While most voters thought they would have to choose between a former First Lady/Secretary of State/lawyer/decent human being and a sentient cockroach with a ‘good brain,’ Americans were shocked to find out that a surprise third party candidate took home the title. FSU’s own clitoris-rights activist, musician and possible anti-Semite Benjamin Lewis was unanimously voted as the new President of the United States. After his landslide victory, President Lewis gave the people what they wanted: a rendition of “Who Let the Dogs Out” by Baha Men in the free-speech zone.
“I’m just glad all of this wacky election mumbo-jumbo is finally over!” Junior Evelynn McCormick, an admitted supporter of Lewis, said. “Last week I was *this* close to shaving my head and claiming my First Amendment right to protest my 19th Amendment right to vote because I couldn’t choose between a small infraction with an e-mail server and xenophobia. So when I passed Lewis on campus a few days ago and heard him hollering to what might have been ‘Imagine’ by John Lennon, I just had this epiphany: this dude needs to be President, STAT!” McCormick went on to peel a ‘Gore 4 Prez 2000’ bumper sticker off her car. “He always puts a smile on my face when I’m rushing into Bellamy for my French 2 class, mostly because the patriarchy has made me almost entirely forget sex organs exist. I just hope I’m not the only one who wrote “Save The Clitorises Guy From FSU” on there. Either way, je suis Lewis!!!”
Some voters are suspicious of President Lewis’ platform. “This guy clearly isn’t qualified to run the United States. ‘Save the crinteris’? Our country needs saving. I bet he’s never even seen a clinghorin! Hell, none of us have! How are we supposed to see, let alone SAVE, something that doesn’t even exist?!” Stated Sean Jay Johnson, confirmed R*p*bl*c*n, as he whittled a piece of wood into a spittoon for his work desk. “The clooterin is a liberal myth propagated by women to make men feel bad for finishing first during sex. Besides how am I supposed to find the clipperton when a condom is getting in the way of MY pleasure?” Johnson continued before being interrupted by his wife, who needed help finding her eyeballs after they fell out of her head from rolling them too hard. The search obviously proved to be unsuccessful and his wife now has two glass eyes and an as-of-yet unstimulated clit.
Image Credit: Her Campus / Sara Gomez