The E-Mails The Media Isn’t Talking About: Hillary’s 33,000 Charlotte Russe Promo Codes

With the abundance of scandals plaguing the 2016 election cycle, it’s impossible to talk about Hillary Clinton without discussing her Damn E-Mails™, but there is still more that the media and the Clinton campaign are not sharing. The American people have a right to know about the 33,000 Charlotte Russe promo codes Clinton must have received during these times.     

“I know they’re not the same promo codes as the ones Charlotte Russe gives me,” theorizes Angela Freeman, a senior accounting for her existential dread through dangerous levels of online shopping and credit card debt. “They’ve got to be giving her some fancy ‘glass ceiling busting here’s 75% off everything, Madame President’ promo codes. It’s time they hand them over to the public because frankly, I’m a bad bitch who needs some bad bitch pantsuits. I’ve got interviews, too.”

These specific e-mails are drastically underplayed by the mainstream media, ranking below the time given to Jill Stein and her supporters, who still believe that the way to address an entire system dedicated to two parties is through cramming a third party candidate onto the ballot. Though to say they are completely underplayed is unfair to the media because they are getting more attention than the lawsuit Gold Star Donny Boy is facing for the rape of a thirteen-year-old girl.

“I think that the American people should one hundred percent divert their focus to the Charlotte Russe Promo Codes,” begged John Podesta from behind a trashcan while wearing 2004 Gucci sunglasses and a bluetooth earpiece in each ear. “People are looking for the real steal, the real scandal and let me tell you: it’s those deals! Benghazi? More like Ben-a minute since I’ve seen sales this good! Rigged primary? More like Bernie Sandals are literally two for eight dollars! Bill Clinton hated Obamacare? More like Bill Clinton isn’t fucking running for president.”