Donald Trump Inherits Small, 80 Consecutive Months of Job Growth

In 2009 when Barack Obama inherited the worst economic situation since the Great Depression, Republicans prophesied absolute chaos due the new president being either the spawn of Satan himself or the second worse thing they could imagine — an immigrant from Africa. They were proved mostly correct in 2016, when Donald Trump won by promising to restore America to its purer original form where 20,000,000 fewer people had health insurance, the unemployment rate was twice as large and the country had not yet dealt with a shambolic 80 consecutive months of job growth. Given that the Oval Office is run nothing like his New York real estate business, one can only imagine the possibilities ahead for the US’s current President-elect.

“This is big. This is yuge.” President-Elect Trump said. “It’s finally time to fix all of Obama’s mistakes. We’ll fix ‘em, it’ll be fantastic. Anyone who knows me knows I’m great at fixing stuff. In Manhattan they call me ‘Fix-It Donald’. I sued Bob the Builder because they didn’t give me any credit for inventing the concept of building. Then I didn’t pay him when he helped me build a building because I didn’t think he did a good job on what is, believe me, a fantastic building. Under Obama, things were awful. I think everyone knows that. We all want to go back to before Obama. Just like Reagan, Reagan was an amazing president. Don’t we all want jobs? Obama didn’t do jobs [see graph above]. I’ll do jobs. I’ll do the best jobs.”

Trump then put his hands on his hips, struck a smug pose and looked off towards the White House. At time of printing, Trump was still staring, completely oblivious of the irony of admiring the building that will soon be his home, which was built on the backs of African slaves who were compensated in the same way as many construction workers involved with Trump projects, which is to say, not at all.

“Alright, everybody shut up and listen.” started current Vice President Joe Biden, wearing nothing but aviators, boxer shorts and a customized “Maverick” pilot helmet from Top Gun. “My best friend in the whole wide world, THE President Barack Obama, worked damn hard for eight years to lower the unemployment rate in this country. He’s beautiful, kind, funny, smart… what was the question?” trailed off Biden, as he looked to President Obama who was wearing a paper name tag labelled “Goose” in Vice President Biden’s handwriting. “Anyways, Trump claims undocumented immigrants and outsourcing are diminishing job opportunity in the U.S., and he should know, because wage slavery in China and the abuse of undocumented workers at home have both been an integral part of his success in real-estate and other ventures. God. Barry, I fucking hate that guy.”

“I know, Joe. I know.” said Barack Obama as he rubbed the Vice President’s back and continued to read the intelligence briefing they had gathered to discuss.