Freedom Caucus Chair: I Am Become Liberty, Destroyer of Worlds

Last Tuesday evening, sitting in an office decorated by a coked out Uncle Sam fetishist, Freedom Caucus Chair Jim Jordan of Ohio watched the election results come in with a blank look on his face. Multiple sources have indicated that most Republicans had polling data similar to the major news networks, and thus were preparing themselves for a night of puritanical self-loathing, as well as a lifetime of stubborn righteousness. Wolf Blitzer’s eerily emotionless monotone brought a stir to the room, however, as state after state shocked the establishment by going red with the radiance of a thousand suns bursting into the sky at once. When the final projection came down from CNN, a few people laughed, a few people cried, but most were silent. At this point, members of Representative Jordan’s staff say the congressman silently unsheathed and raised the red, white and blue sword he keeps on his person at all times, then walked to the mirror before proclaiming, “I am become Freedom, destroyer of worlds.”

“What joyous devastation hath we wrought?” Asked the sitting congressman to a clearly terrified intern who opted to bash his head into his desk rather than attempt a response. “Is it folly to assume our rhetoric worked its way into the minds of American voters, showing them the divine light of liberty, Her blessed hands guiding us to a firm and unwavering opposition to all policies that aren’t the abolition of the IRS or telling women how to control their own bodies? No, surely it is more likely that in Her endless mercy, she has simply cast aside the Crooked One. Again, our goddess Lady Liberty has delivered us from the Hell of a growing and stable economy and into the glorious chaos of a small government utopia.”

Staff then took turns saying racial slurs and assaulting the women around them to honor the new leader of their movement, praying this strange orange man may stand up for them where their previous orange leader failed. A chalice was then brought to the room, and all present — minus the still horrified intern, whose head was now entirely in a cabinet under his desk  — began to slowly chant “MAGA” in a unified crescendo until Congressman Jordan (R-Ohio) drained its dark contents in one gulp, let out a primal scream and plunged his sword deep into a donkey who had been brought to the Rayburn House Office Building as a sacrifice.

“Yeah, my dad is on the board of the Chamber of Commerce in Tiffin, Ohio and he thought this would help me get into Penn,” said a shaking Jack Barker, the unpaid part-time intern and most level-headed person in Rep. Jordan’s district office. “Republicans have been falling over themselves talking about liberty and freedom for eight years. Now that they’re in charge, I guess they’re excited to show everyone what they mean. Here’s a hint, though: it’s definitely white supremacy.”