Trump Announces That Syria Will Pay for the Missiles

Trump Announces That Syria Will Pay for the Missiles

Maintaining his reputation as a callously Dickensian cheapskate even in the face of tragic humanity, President Trump announced on Tuesday that Syria would pay for the 59 Tomahawk missiles fired at Shayrat airfield last week. The invoice, which Trump mailed personally, asks for “eight Mar-a-Lagos worth of  money” to be paid in full immediately to offset the million-dollar-each catalysts for another expensive and aimless war.

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Compromise! President Offers Free Trump Steaks to All Detainees If Ban Reinstated

Compromise! President Offers Free Trump Steaks to All Detainees If Ban Reinstated

Noting record-low approval ratings, the President’s increasing hesitation to actually do the work required to run the government and the President’s decreasing hesitation to use the most important global position of power to benefit himself, the White House has announced that a compromise deal is in the works. 

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Sean Spicer Boycotts Dippin’ Dots to Prove He Means What He Tweets, Unlike Mike Pence

Sean Spicer Boycotts Dippin’ Dots to Prove He Means What He Tweets, Unlike Mike Pence

They say actions speak louder than words! After a tweet from barely a year ago stating that a Muslim ban would be unconstitutional resurfaced from Pence’s personal account, Twitter users dragged the Queen of Contradiction for being a bigger hypocrite than his superior Donald Trump, who just last week signed an executive order to ban immigrants from several predominantly Muslim countries from entering the U.S.

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