“Hey, Chucklefuck!” and Other Things You Can Say to Your Professor if You Aren’t Afraid of God

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Face it, it’s already the middle of the semester. Your faith in a higher power escaped the building the second you heard your professor invent a mandatory “teamwork-oriented” project in the last two seconds of class last week. Everything, and we do mean everything, has gone tits up on the Seminole Express. So, what can you do to show your spirit? To prove that you’ve lost your will to even bother with trying to sound like a functional adult, try using these phrases in everyday classroom discussions* and make it known once and for all that no higher power scares you.

Say things like...
- “Hey, chucklefuck!”
- “If you eat enough gummy vitamins, one day you can take me on in hand to hand combat.”
- “I would die before I ever read another Virginia Woolf novel, know THAT.”
- “This grading system makes no sense, you absolute clownass.”
- “This is the worst TedTalk I’ve ever had to endure.”
- “I do a really good Crazy Frog impression. Check this out.”
- “You smell like tomato basil soup, but that's probably not why your children have neck tattoos.”
- “Stop being a narc and just give me a sip of your coffee.”
- “Did you shave your milk moustache?”
- “Your parakeets are all you'll ever need.”
- “Ya like jazz?”
- “William Shatner was a good actor.”
- “‘Big Mouth’ is a funny show.”
- “I didn’t read the syllabus, but I did use it as a plate for my Bagel Bites.”
- “I think ‘booger’ is the funniest word in the English language.”
- “I torrented the textbook you wrote.”
- “The design on your tie kinda looks like two dogs humping.”
- “Fuck, marry, kill: the clown from ‘IT’, the clown from ‘Poltergeist’, and the clown from ‘Air Bud.’”
- “I don’t have a pen so I’m gonna sign the attendance sheet in matte liquid lipstick.”
- “Are you a fucking libertarian?
- "WWVDD?" (What Would Vin Diesel Do?)
- "WWOWWVDTD?" (What Would Owen Wilson Want Vin Diesel To Do?)

*The Eggplant is not responsible for any weird shit you’ll endure after using these phrases. Use at your own dense, despondent discretion.