Are you an aggressive libertarian? Are you looking to incorporate your perceived political martyrdom into your everyday life? Look no further! These 10 personal fragrances are sure to give you an extra pep in your self-indulgent freedom-fighting, gun-toting step. Apply generously before leaving your crusty, gamer-boy chair for an added boost of self-righteous, economic mansplaining powers!
1. Second Amendment Seabreeze
There’s nothing quite like the smell of devaluing human life while pretending your favorite amendment doesn’t include the phrase “well regulated.” Protest in the name of common sense gun reform can have the same effect! You should exercise those sexy rights to free speech and political demonstration this Wednesday at 11am, starting at the Westcott Fountain!
2. Coal Emissions.
Caution: Side effects may include black lung and warm planet. But it’s been pretty chilly outside, so the whole “climate change” thing is a hoax anyways. And warning labels are oppressive!
3. Not Tipping the Waitstaff Watermelon
Though we love the idea of unregulated wages, we love the idea of fiscal conservatism even more! Instead of giving the waitstaff your hard earned money, give them a piece of your super welcomed, sage advice: any tips they do make shouldn’t be reported! They’ll be taxed, and taxation is theft. Think of how much money you’ll be saving them in the future!
4. Mountain Dew and Cheeto Dust Musk
Nice! The scent of residue left on a keyboard used for roastin’ people who obviously don’t understand the many applications of the word “cuck.”
5. Herbal Tea Party
This scent is super popular because of how naughty and unregulated it feels. Also available in English Breakfast and Chamomile.
6. Koch Brothers Coconut
Nothing screams “UPPER middle class” more than this scent does! Lather yourself up, and let everyone know that you actually have more in common with the economically disadvantaged than you ever will with oppressive oil tycoons! Mmmm, it smells just like a Pina Colada!
7. Trickle Down Eucalyptus
Smells like the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer! Make sure to mention distributing the bulk of the scent unfairly and disportionly. For optimum scent, this fragrance should be applied directly to the top of your head, absorbing into your big libertarian brain until it enters your bloodstream and never actually reaches your midsection because that’s not really how perfume works.
8. Tasty, Tasty Mayonnaise!
Yum! Smells like the salty-sweet Miracle Whip of capitalism! Grab a silver spoon and dig in!