Happy New Year, Seminoles! We hope you survived your holiday celebrations, which most likely included at least 73 relatives asking about your post-graduation plans, an openly sexist cousin and increasingly upsetting questions about your romantic life. The Eggplant has done you a kindness by preparing a list of the best resolutions for 2018 that you probably won’t follow through with because we know it can be hard to try and change life-long habits in a day.
Get fit! Working out will make you happier and healthier. My dad says it will fix your depression and that therapy is a pyramid scheme. Let’s make 2018 the year of physical fitness.
Figure out a decent answer for when your mom asks, “I haven’t heard you talk about Kate in a while. Do you girls still see each other? What happened there?” because you know your mom doesn’t want to hear about the falling out you and your high school frenemy had while blacked out at the Strip.
Get those straight A’s this semester!
Improve your spatial awareness! Train your nose to sniff out the nearest public restroom, and bruise your thighs less by actively avoiding table corners in restaurants.
Grow more teeth. Concentrate on filling in a second, maybe even third row of teeth! This year is all about the smile— the toothier the sexier.
Cut those toxic ties! Stop answering your well-meaning parents’ phone calls, your voicemail box isn’t full yet! And learn that it’s okay to poop in the shoes of your enemies; they deserve it!
Buy a tugboat with all the money you made from cryptocurrencies.
Learn to operate your tugboat.
Host wild tugboat parties.
Rescue your lover from your sinking tugboat, but don’t look too desperate.
Become more civic-minded. Vote in the midterm elections on Tuesday, November 6, 2018 and recycle your socks! Your community will be better for it, and local businesses will boom.
Lean into the thrift! Climate change is real and adjusting your habits to try to stop your SoFlo hometown from being underwater before you can retire there is a great resolution for 2018. Move in with some friends and steal their toaster.
Become an entrepreneur! Sell your earlobes on the deep web.
Take risks! Try that drug you were always too afraid to inject now that it’s been proven safe to ingest as a powder. If it doesn’t go well, what’s another panic attack at this point anyway?
Increase your social status. Drink heavily until you can no longer recognize yourself and you remove your shirt in a public restroom to re-enact the “Hi welcome to Chili’s” Vine in an attempt to go viral!
Actually keep up with Duolingo for more than a week this time, mon amis. You can’t complete your foreign language requirement without the help because you’re a unilingual fool.
Broaden your horizons! Make out with that pigeon. You’ve earned it.
Get bangs. Get a sword. Get a harness. Get the power you deserve.
Buy six more tugboats.