8 Reasons Why Your Roommate Deserves the Flu More Than You

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This year’s H3N2 virus is a vaccine defying war horse. The Health and Wellness Center has been in a tizzy handing out unsure diagnosis’ of “we don’t take walk-ins” and “sorry you can’t wear that crop top in here,” but if there’s one thing to be celebrated, it’s the fact that you are the least likely person living in the carpeted plywood “Shag Pad” you call your apartment to catch the flu. Rest assured, your terrible and uncool roomy is far more deserving of illness than yourself. Here are a few reasons why:

1. He loves his job
We get it, Justin. You love your paid internship and you really believe that hotel management is the right career for your personality. Go make out with some stranger at Purgatory and get the flu like everyone else. 

2. He’s never had good chicken pot pie before and he doesn’t want to try it.
It is hard to be sympathetic to your big dumb roommate for never having Momma’s chicken pot pie as a kid when he still refuses to try a little taste. A couple weeks of near death vomiting from both ends ought to teach him a lesson

3. He leaves peanut butter everywhere
Peanut butter on every kitchen surface including your clean forks and your almond milk cartons. Peanut butter on your pens and pencils and your toothbrush and your dildo and your ceiling fan. Peanut butter in your hats and on your lighters and stuck in your cat’s fur. You are so sick of the peanut butter, it’s only fair that he almost dies from a bad flu virus for a couple nights. 

4. He’s four months younger than you
Seniority rules, bitch.

5. He keeps a chore chart for the apartment
Not everyone has time to wash their dishes right away. I wake up, I eat my oatmeal, I brush my teeth and I’m out the door faster than you can say, “You forgot to take the garbage out last night and I did it last Wednesday.” Get a life, you dork. Or the flu. 

6. He wanted “La La Land” to win that oscar
While everyone in Tallahassee was justly celebrating FSU alumni Barry Jenkin’s victory for the film “Moonlight” in last year’s Oscar mix up, your shitty shitty roommate was mouthing Sebastian’s theme through choked tears. Die choking on your phlegm, Ryan!

7. He is the stepson of cold medicine mogul Michael McNyquil
Your capitalist, Western medicine loving stepdaddy has been profiting off cold and flu victims for years! Not only is he not smart enough to actually invent Nyquil and only become rich from inheritance, but he’s also not your real dad and he never will be. Regardless, you deserve a taste of his own medicine. Haha.

8. He has great health insurance
Even though the flu is something that takes time rather than doctor’s visits to heal, that son of a bitch Your Roommate never has to worry about catching pink eye and wallowing in medical debt for the rest of his days like the rest of us.