Are you one of The Eggplant's devoted stans, tweeting "sjkdsjkdsjksd" and "delete this or you'll be hearing from my daddy and he’s a lawyer" after we publish an article? Of course you are! After much hard work and deliberation, the science side of our publication has finally calculated a conclusive list of The Eggplant FSU’s top ten stans! While there are definitely more than 10 kinds of stans, our researchers decided that 10 was the perfect number to stop at because we have lives too, you know. Here's the listings, in no particular order, of course!
1. Flat Stanley
Our first stan may be flat, but Flat Stanley's adoration for The Eggplant is pretty thicc! He always sliding into our DM’s because he so easily fits through small spaces, and he got hammered at our birthday party last year off three sips of a PBR. We love a skinny, supportive childhood legend.
2. Stan Lee
Stan Lee is super old and we hope he never dies. He helped create Marvel and basically invented superheroes. Stan Lee loves our publication so much that we're currently in talks of creating an Eggplant FSU hero with him. Her power is instantly pissing off conservatives by interrupting their terrible stories to let them know they really shouldn’t say that word. Stay tuned for Eggplant Gal's comic book debut!
3. Stan Smiths
You see these shoes? They're called Stan Smiths and they have just the right amount of green on them. They're kind of expensive but that's how we like it here at The Eggplant. For all you art hoes out there, we hope you invest in these Aesthetic™ shoes. In fact, they're investing in us with a free pair for each staff writer so we can go undercover as normies!
4. Stanley Steemer
This baby right here is perfect for cleaning up that Four Loko your friend dropped on your floor but "forgot" to tell you because they were too busy pretending not to notice it. It's also great for cleaning out posts with angry grandparents calling us “fake news demons” in our comment sections. Stanley Steemer's super sexy jingle will make you want to dial that 1-800 number right away.
5. Grunkle Stan
The middle marker of our list of stans is none other than the Mr. Krabs of Disney Channel! Grunkle Stan hasn't bought a single piece of Eggplant merch but he's still cool in our books. He's even given us a couple of tips on how to scam the system; but our lawyers say we aren't allowed to discuss them.
6. That person who only follows Eggplant for the headlines and never reads the stories
Yeah, you probably aren't even reading this right now but we're still on to you.
7. Stanley Yelnats
Stanley's come a long way since Camp Greenlake. After ending Madame Zeroni's hellish curse, he gave us some of his no-good-dirty-rotten-pig-stealing-great-great-grandfather's scary lizard treasure money to help run our website. He's also bought like three shirts from us and has a custom-made Eggplant hat.
8. Stanley Kubrick
Stanley Kubrick had some really sexy cinematography skills. He's always sending us emails from the afterlife about featuring us in his movies and filming our next bid day video. If the moon landing was faked, the government probably hired Stan #8 to do it so that nobody could spot the difference.
9. Stanley from "The Office"
Stanley may be a bit of a grump, but working with a load of buffoons is “almost tolerable” when he’s reading one of our articles. Take it from someone with a big boy job, following our content can make any unbearable day…well, maybe not any less bearable but at least you might see the word “cummies.”
10. This assortment of eggplants from the produce section
"Talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference, put it in a blender, shit on it, vomit on it, eat it, give birth to it." -- Various Eggplants, 2018