Since its debut several weeks ago, those lacking the wit required for captivating conversation have seized the opportunity to fill every lull with an exclamation of “Have you watched 13 Reasons Why?”
All too often, when they receive a response in the negative, a look of horror presides over their face and they fall to their knees, wondering what one could possibly be doing in the place of watching an entire season of aggressively mediocre teenage acting. To make things easier to understand for that unfortunate bunch, I have compiled a handy list of activities more pleasurable, and less problematic, than watching that damn show.
1. Paint a pot with Mike Pence
Actual clay is less bland than Clay Jensen. Undoubtedly, Pence would choose to paint one of the clay golden retrievers. He would then be too focused on the task of staying within the lines to attempt conversation, especially in the absence of his wife. Finally, he would attach a little tag to the ceramic dog, on which is written, “For: Mother, From: Your Favorite Little Vice President.”
2. Stick my hand down the garbage disposal
I may encounter shards of my roommate’s shot glass and week-old yellow curry, but at least I won’t be informing impressionable teenagers that killing themselves will change the perspectives of those around them for the better while garnering the attention of Selena Gomez.
3. Read All Twelve Books of Milton’s Paradise Lost
In the words of Samuel Johnson, “one would not have wished it longer.”
4. Attend Coachella
Admittedly, my disdain for this activity is nearly on par with watching 13 Reasons Why, but ultimately Coachella wins out as the prevalence of various mind-altering substances at the festival serve as a viable coping mechanism.
5. Introduce myself to my downstairs neighbors
Should this encounter occur, there would be three people able to connect my face with the girl who starts every morning blasting Justin Timberlake’s early 2000s smash hits.
6. Water an acquaintance's houseplants
I do not trust any organism that possesses the ability to produce its own food. The only redeeming component of this activity is the inexplicably satisfying freedom to go through said acquaintance’s medicine cabinet.
7. Rewatch the Amy Winehouse Documentary
My fragile heart can only handle so many reminders of the legend we have lost. However, at least the protagonist of that particular show possessed talent.
8. Shop at Publix on a Sunday
The shelves are in disarray. Children run screaming through the aisles. A fire engulfs the overloaded “under 10 items” conveyor belt. However, I much prefer waiting over half an hour for maple smoked Boar’s Head ham over promoting the exploitation of mental illness.
9. Be put on hold
I’m not sure which CEO thinks hold music is preferable to silence, but I can assure them switching my birth control from CVS to Walgreens is painful enough without throwing Natasha Bedingfield in the mix.
10. Long division
No adult should be expected to divide 164.2 by 23.7, let alone third grade children. That level of barbarism is reserved for production executives who glorify suicide to boost quarterly profits..
11. Take a weekend trip to Hilton Head with my dad and stepmom
There is simply not a large enough vodka flask to compensate for my stepmom’s veiled threats concerning her share of my inheritance and that retired stockbroker in a speedo.
12: Watch Fox & Friends
True, the thought of watching Steve Doocy’s rotating jowls for an extended period of time makes my skin crawl. However, downward social comparison can often be beneficial to one’s own self-esteem.
13. Retake ENC 2135
I get it: The medium is the message. Unless, of course the message is the simultaneous sensationalization and reduction of teen suicide.