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FSU Football Team Promises to Finally Lock In Now For Real This Time
FSU Football Team Promises to Finally Lock In Now For Real This Time

You really got us good Mike (I’m in constant agony)

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 19, 2024
Guy Pulls Reverse She’s the Man in Order To Play Soccer at FSU
Guy Pulls Reverse She’s the Man in Order To Play Soccer at FSU

Barney Bagpipe woke up in a cold sweat one night when they realized FSU had no male soccer team.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 2, 2024
2024 Predicted to Have THE Highest Dormcest Baby Birth Rates to Date: What You Need to Know.
2024 Predicted to Have THE Highest Dormcest Baby Birth Rates to Date: What You Need to Know.

A time when stories of pouring beers turn into reading books and rolling blunts evolve to rolling to class on your razor scooter.

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 1, 2024
Panera Sips Club Investigation Reveals Dark University Conspiracy
Panera Sips Club Investigation Reveals Dark University Conspiracy

With the wild success of their Sips Club - the charged lemonades specifically, the Student Union Panera Bread location recently rolled out their latest drink: the Ultra, Super-Duper Charged Lemonade.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 8, 2023
FSU Student Faces Big UTI
FSU Student Faces Big UTI

It’s no secret that Tallahassee smells like shit.

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The Eggplant FSUDecember 7, 2023
Saudi Arabian Oil Tycoon Purchases FSU Quadball Team
Saudi Arabian Oil Tycoon Purchases FSU Quadball Team

Every year, millions of UK “football” fans tune in to watch their favorite premier league teams face off against one another.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 5, 2023
Student Union To Be Torn Down in Order To Make Room for a Giant Golden Keon Coleman Statue
Student Union To Be Torn Down in Order To Make Room for a Giant Golden Keon Coleman Statue

On May 17th, 2003, in Opelousas, Louisiana, the world said hello to Keon Coleman.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 18, 2023
Shake SHART? Laxatives Accidentally Added to Shakes, Mass Panic at Leach
Shake SHART? Laxatives Accidentally Added to Shakes, Mass Panic at Leach

The most popular workout spot on campus is the massive sweatbox known as the Leach (not to be confused with a leech, which the dictionary defines as “a blood-sucking aquatic or terrestrial annelid”).

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The Eggplant FSUApril 8, 2023
Woman Commits Mass Murder After Claiming Panda Express Fortune Cookie Prompted Her To
Woman Commits Mass Murder After Claiming Panda Express Fortune Cookie Prompted Her To

The oinkers are reporting that the culprit, 27-year-old L’eggo MyEggo, has been apprehended and is awaiting trial in Leon County Jail where she is being held without bail.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 21, 2023
Professor Who Requires Their Own Textbook for Class Swears They Don’t Have a Praise Kink
Professor Who Requires Their Own Textbook for Class Swears They Don’t Have a Praise Kink

As a top 20 public university in the nation (you're really not all that UF), Florida State faculty is filled with brilliant minds.

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The Eggplant FSUFebruary 17, 2023
Strozier Opens Bar To Compete With the Union and Reclaim Title as “Most Popular Hangout Spot”
Strozier Opens Bar To Compete With the Union and Reclaim Title as “Most Popular Hangout Spot”

The three-year wait for the Union has been deemed “totally worth it” by the whole student body upperclassmen with the opening of the bar, Proof

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The Eggplant FSUJanuary 30, 2023
Mike Norvell Officially Stages Coup, Seizes Control of FSU
Mike Norvell Officially Stages Coup, Seizes Control of FSU

We all love winning.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 27, 2022
Legacy Walk Suspiciously Cagey About What Exactly Its Legacy Is.
Legacy Walk Suspiciously Cagey About What Exactly Its Legacy Is.

Legacy Walk, we’ve all spent countless hours on it questioning why that one person has to walk so fast, but have any of us stopped to consider what exactly Legacy Walk’s Legacy is?

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 16, 2022
Tallahassee Strip To Begin Using the Honor System Instead of Checking Ids
Tallahassee Strip To Begin Using the Honor System Instead of Checking Ids

Since its inception in 2004, The Tallahassee Strip has always been known as a hub of the community for students of Florida State.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 7, 2022
The Den Cuts Ties with Kanye West
The Den Cuts Ties with Kanye West

By now even everyone with a satellite dish and a FaceBook account has been made aware of the dangerous antisemitic comments made by Kanye West in the past few weeks, that follow up on a lifetime of generally shitty behavior.

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The Eggplant FSUNovember 6, 2022
Phantom of the Opera? Reports of Ghost Haunting the Ruby Diamond Auditorium Actually Just Some Homeless Guy
Phantom of the Opera? Reports of Ghost Haunting the Ruby Diamond Auditorium Actually Just Some Homeless Guy

Ruby Diamond has been plagued with eerie rumors as of late.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 25, 2022
HCB Cat Receives Tenure
HCB Cat Receives Tenure

Tenure: the Supreme Court nomination of academia, a lifetime award of tax dollars, a trial run for giving UBI to people whose jobs don’t practically contribute to society.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 24, 2022
President McCullough Nearly Blazes Over Students in His BMW Running on Student Tears and Debt
President McCullough Nearly Blazes Over Students in His BMW Running on Student Tears and Debt

On September 3rd, 2022, before everyone decided they were newfound meteorologists, two students were reportedly crossing the three-way stop in front of Westcott Fountain when FSU’s very own President McCullough nearly ran them over!

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 3, 2022
FSU Drops All Previous Admissions Requirements and Replaces With One Attempt at Swiping Into Strozier
FSU Drops All Previous Admissions Requirements and Replaces With One Attempt at Swiping Into Strozier

In an age of college admissions scandals and decisions that seem as if they are mailed out at random, FSU comes up with a revolutionary new method of accepting students.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 30, 2022
2023 Campus Renovations Include Landing Pads on Every FSU Rooftop
2023 Campus Renovations Include Landing Pads on Every FSU Rooftop

If you thought parking sucked before the class of 2026 arrived, then I bet you wish it was the way it used to be.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 20, 2022
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