Transition From Blackboard to Canvas to Include ‘Stories’ Features
As FSU gears up to promote the official transition from Blackboard to Canvas in the coming semesters, university researchers have been working day in and day out to figure out how to improve student and faculty experiences on these equally shitty course management sites. Following numerous focus groups and controlled experiments, researchers threw out the results that suggested teachers just input grades in a timely manner, and instead seem to have asked a 13-year-old girl what she thinks would improve the site change. The answer? Add a ‘stories’ feature! Fucking duh!
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Barry Jenkins to Perform What Would Have Been His Fucking Acceptance Speech at Golden Tribe Lecture
After weeks of strenuous negotiating and sacrificing jazz musicians to the Gods of Cinema, the Golden Tribe Lecture Series teamed up with the SLC and College of Motion Picture Arts to book an evening with “Moonlight” director and sweet, sweet baby angel Barry Jenkins.
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New Dorm Construction Actually Just Underground Battle Bots Gambling Ring
Wow, it looks like Burning Spear isn’t even the coolest secret society that we’re gonna talk about this week!
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Secret Society That Controls FSU Leaves Coded Message to Members on Sidewalk
Why focus on small to intermediate student-centric solutions to improve life on campus when you can marginally increase the name brand of the degree you received fifteen years ago? Right?
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Student Gets Lost in Diffenbaugh, Meets White Rabbit and Defeats Queen of Hearts Before Class
For those of us who don’t major in cartography and ~wanderlust~, navigating the halls of some FSU buildings can feel like trying to sail to Asia—you think you’ve got it figured out until you land on a continent that’s already inhabited and deliver mass genocide and Syphilis.
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'Advance Is the Best Party for FSU,' Says Candidate From Only Party at FSU
Election day is today, and everyone you’ve been avoiding in between HCB and the Integration Statue is ready to really make a difference by voting for mostly the same group of people to continue the same half-assed policy-making and the same full-assed egocentrism they had already been occupying for years.
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Oglesby Union to Be Demolished and Replaced With Another Football Stadium
Despite the overwhelming student appreciation for its on-campus concert venue, plethora of study rooms and access to $3 frozen margs via Chili’s, the Oglesby Union is facing strict budget cuts.
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Student Attracting All the Dogs on Landis Horrified About What They Can Smell on Him
As a means of escape from daily stresses, FSU students are flocking to Landis Green to get fresh air, see some doggos and watch freshmen take their three-person football game way too seriously.
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EGGSPOSED: Eggplant Writers Outed as Leftists by Elite Team of Facebook Sleuths
We thought we could do it. We thought we could hide it from you all. But apparently some among you have broken through the concrete façade we have maintained all these years. And now it is time to come clean.
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BREAKING: President Accused of Sexual Harassment
In a rare case of conservatives holding each other accountable last week, the Florida Federation of College Republicans served the FSU chapter with a Notice of Impeachment, following allegations of violations of its Constitution.
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College Republicans to Stay in Class for Extra Three Hours in Counter-Protest
As Apocalypse looms on the horizon with the swearing-in of the country’s first Demon-American president, Students for a Democratic Society decided it was time to make their voices heard by staging a walkout on Friday.
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Eppes Statue Cancels Golden Tribe Lecture Attendance After Calling Marc Lamont Hill “All Talk”
As if notorious Florida State statue Francis Eppes needed any more controversy this academic year, the university’s PR team announced today that Eppes will not be attending Marc Lamont Hill’s lecture Tuesday night in Ruby Diamond Auditorium.
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Burt Reynolds Hall to be Renamed Barry Jenkins Hall
Florida State started off the spring semester with high morale after FSU Film School alumnus Moonlight director Barry Jenkins received a Golden Globe on Sunday, and also after students realized there was no school the following Monday for Martin Luther King Jr. day.
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A Goodbye Letter From an Eggplant Writer Who Never Wore Pants to a Single Meeting
Well, it happened. They finally fired me. Turns out there can only be so much public indecency before people start to get nervous. Luckily, like a graceful exit from American Idol, they are giving me one last song.
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True Christmas Miracle! Jewish Kids to Not Get Screwed Over by Exam Week Falling on Hanukkah
Although most at FSU expected nothing new this time of year besides the usual grim finals week and Tallahassee’s inability to pick a climate, students across campus agree something is different in the frosty but somehow still humid Tallahassee air.
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University Admins Blow Entire Budget on Pogo Sticks and Moon Shoes
As we approach the end of the year and the holiday season, we arrive at the magical time when budgets have been allocated and the FSU administration figures out what to do with surplus sweepings.
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Planning Ahead! Students Organize Therapy Group to Prepare for Return to Families in Three Short Weeks
After being constantly asked “what are you studying again?” and stuffing their faces with pumpkin pie to keep themselves out of political discourse last week, hundreds of FSU students have banded together to form a weekly therapy group to recover from one holiday break and prepare for the approaching one in just three weeks.
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UF to Order a Score Recount After Saturday’s Loss
Following the game that put an end to a species of self-righteous reptiles, unfortunately excluding lizard overlord Marco Rubio, The University of Florida has ordered a score recount. Despite the fact that over 80,000 people saw them lose in person and millions of people saw them lose via live broadcast, UF is certain the score recount will yield a better result.
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Shrek’s Swamp Also Claims Hotter Girls and Better Academics
In the area of uncultivated and low-lying wet ground that somehow has become its brand, Shrek’s Swamp, like UF, has been lashing out at surrounding areas in the Kingdom of Far Far Away to prove the swamp’s true dominance in all areas, including objectification of women, academic shaming and visually impaired anthropomorphised mice.
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A House Really Divided: What to Do When Your UF Alumni Uncle Voted for Trump
This time of year has always been one of great conflict and familial clash, from your cousin Jeremy being passive-aggressive about his veganism while the rest of the family pays pointed attention to their dry turkey pieces, to the infamous FSU-UF football game that always makes your mom regret sitting you next to your UF Alumni Uncle Tim.
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