Posts in Latest Articles
FSU Alert Somehow More Reliable Than Your Shitty Boyfriend Todd

Following last week’s stormy Thursday, it’s clear that FSU Alert is somehow still more reliable than your shitty boyfriend Todd. Per usual, the FSU Alert text for the storm on Thursday afternoon went out after the inclement weather had passed, sent multiple times and ultimately did not fucking matter since you had to go to class anyway.

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University Demolishes Kellum Same Way It Does Student Spirits: Slow and Steady

As Florida State University works to take down the remaining skeleton of the once not-so-great Kellum Hall, students have begun to make a connection between the building’s demolition and the degradation of their own spirits. Both are deteriorating slowly and painfully at the hands of the university.

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Student Motivations for Voting Split Between Civic Duty and Moral Superiority

The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.

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NOT FAKE: Free Pizza in John Thrasher’s office from 3-6:30 with valid FSU ID

Attention, all students! Today, from 3-6:30, free pizza will be available in and around John Thrasher’s office. The official statement from his office asks students to enjoy some nice Papa John’s despite the fact that with every bite they take, more and more voters around the county will be casting ballots for Donald Drumpf (#JohnOliver2016).

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Frat Bro Disbands Study Group After No Girls Show Up

In preparation for his financial accounting exam the following week, frat king and business major Taz Bradington booked a study room in Strozier Library and told the “five hottest blondes within gawking radius” and some of his brothers to come. Unfortunately, none of the females showed up, causing Brad to cancel the study group and take the anger out on his pledges.

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Dude Who Goes On Reddit In Class Every Day Won’t Stop Talking About Deadpool

In a very predictable series of events, that one kid in your class who is literally always on Reddit will not stop talking about the smash hit Deadpool. The movie, which came out this past weekend and is now the highest grossing R-rated movie of all time, is literally the only thing this pasty white dude can talk about.

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Jeb(!) ‘Doesn’t Even Wanna Talk About It,’ Storms Through Bush Residence Slamming Doors

On Saturday, February 20th, a Donald Trump victory in S.C. coupled with a single-digit performance led Jeb(!) Bush to suspend his campaign indefinitely. Governor Bush was able to maintain poise during his concession speech, but upon returning home to the Bush family residence, witnesses say Jeb(!) rushed to his room yelling that he did not want to discuss what had just occurred and then slammed his door before flopping onto his racecar bed with his head buried face-down in a pillow.

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Couple Almost Makes It Through One Fucking Night Without Fucking Screaming at Each Other

Coming off the heels of an exceedingly average Valentine's Day, local couple Ted Stroll and Liz Teyger nearly accomplished a feat that had yet to occur since the first week of their relationship. Until disaster struck, it seemed their night out may have actually been free of a knock-down, drag-em out screaming match.

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