Florida State student Shane Sage has been hitting up his crew nonstop this week but cannot seem to find anyone to turn up with him. His closest friend and trusted confidante Durg Boomer finally took a break from Orgo to remind Shane that everyone, including him has finals this week and that pregaming in his dorm room before grinding on girls who definitely won’t hook up with him but will let him buy them several drinks with his fake ID is not the best use of his time, at least not this week.

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Starting off strong, sophomore Lewis Anderson began preparing for his final exams by getting a head start on his inevitable breakdown. Rather than trying to avoid it, Anderson decided to dive in headfirst by spending his Tuesday morning laying in his bathtub and crying into a lukewarm Hot Pocket.

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With finals swiftly approaching, junior Carson Day has announced that he will be taking a break from his night time social media routine until exams are done, and not only successfully closed his Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, and Tumblr apps but also managed to not open them again two seconds later. 

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Freshman Marco Alvarez died early Tuesday morning, a mere week before Thanksgiving break because he refused to go grocery shopping.

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Studying abroad is a once in a lifetime opportunity available to Florida State students that often leaves them with lifelong memories, friends and encounters with uncircumcised penises that they will hold dear to them forever.

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Around this time of year, freshmen at colleges all over the country start getting a little homesick. As the freshness of the new school year wears off, students miss the comfort of a bed not made out of styrofoam, food that doesn’t violate any health codes and most of all, they miss their moms. But do their moms feel the same way?

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Local hairdresser Melissa Bennett is no stranger to annoying requests in her line of business. From unflattering undercuts to the 20+ girls a week who ask for “something a little edgy and different, like an ombre,” Bennett is used to staying quiet and giving the customers what they want.

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After successfully getting accepted to Florida State University and moving away from home, freshman Ashley Lester was eager to show her high school friends, specifically her cheating ex-boyfriend from junior year, Jason, all that she could be in college.

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1. Ultimate zaddy and founder of the Rule of Signs, Renee Descartes. Talk about #MCM!!!!

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Every student driver knows them and has severe trust issues as well as a few bullshit tardies because of them –the “available parking spaces” signs at FSU. You have probably noticed yourself how frequently these numbers are false (and/or how often they read ‘420’ ayyyy), but what you may not have noticed are some other lies displayed on these signs.

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Entering this weekend, few were as excited for the Seminole football season as freshman Stephen Watterson. The day started off for Watterson like any other game day; filled with Natty Light beer bongs, flagrant port-o-potty usage, and competitive cornholing.

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