Last Chance! Campus Chili’s Glory Hole Closing for Semester This Friday

Last Chance! Campus Chili’s Glory Hole Closing for Semester This Friday

As finals week rapidly approaches, students are taking advantage of the several stress-relieving amenities Florida State has to offer. Many will be sunbathing on Landis, some will be heading over to the Leach and others will be making their way over to Chili’s for casual dining featuring subpar Tex-Mex cuisine and a prominently located glory hole.

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This Guy Fucks: Student Never Asks Starbucks Employee for Room for Cream in His Coffee

This Guy Fucks: Student Never Asks Starbucks Employee for Room for Cream in His Coffee

Whoa, watch out for Josh! Florida State sophomore Joshua Rooney visits the Dirac Starbucks every morning, but unlike the other lonely virgins that congregate at this caffeine source before their 9:30 classes, he’s confident enough to shake his head back and forth when the barista asks if he wants room in his coffee for cream. Wow, this guy fucks!

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Where Do We Go From Here? How To Move Forward After Calling Your Professor ‘Daddy’

Where Do We Go From Here? How To Move Forward After Calling Your Professor ‘Daddy’

After a string of recent incidents across campus, students have put together an entry-level colloquium for students who at any point during their college career have called their professor ‘daddy’ and are desperate to learn where the relationship goes from here.

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University Demolishes Kellum Same Way It Does Student Spirits: Slow and Steady

University Demolishes Kellum Same Way It Does Student Spirits: Slow and Steady

As Florida State University works to take down the remaining skeleton of the once not-so-great Kellum Hall, students have begun to make a connection between the building’s demolition and the degradation of their own spirits. Both are deteriorating slowly and painfully at the hands of the university.

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Student Motivations for Voting Split Between Civic Duty and Moral Superiority

Student Motivations for Voting Split Between Civic Duty and Moral Superiority

The voter turnout rate for young adults is staggeringly low. It would appear that millennials would rather “turn up” than “turn out.” However, students who did cast their ballots reported to have their motivations split between performing their civic duty and wanting to feel morally superior to others.

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Report: Leap Day Just As Terrible As Every Other Day

Report: Leap Day Just As Terrible As Every Other Day

Every four years, the world is given an extra day to go about their average lives. While a handful of unlucky twenty year olds are looking forward to celebrating their fifth birthday, the rest of the world is ready to go about leap day as just another awful day as a human being on a rotting rock spinning through space.

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Frat Bro Disbands Study Group After No Girls Show Up

Frat Bro Disbands Study Group After No Girls Show Up

In preparation for his financial accounting exam the following week, frat king and business major Taz Bradington booked a study room in Strozier Library and told the “five hottest blondes within gawking radius” and some of his brothers to come. Unfortunately, none of the females showed up, causing Brad to cancel the study group and take the anger out on his pledges.

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Couple Almost Makes It Through One Fucking Night Without Fucking Screaming at Each Other

Couple Almost Makes It Through One Fucking Night Without Fucking Screaming at Each Other

Coming off the heels of an exceedingly average Valentine's Day, local couple Ted Stroll and Liz Teyger nearly accomplished a feat that had yet to occur since the first week of their relationship. Until disaster struck, it seemed their night out may have actually been free of a knock-down, drag-em out screaming match.

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Meteorology Major Well On Her Way to Earning Degree in Small Talk

Meteorology Major Well On Her Way to Earning Degree in Small Talk

This spring, Meteorology student Marie Combs will graduate after a four-year intensive program at Florida State University. Combs will leave the prestigious program with extensive knowledge in her field and the ability to initiate small talk surrounding just how crazy the weather has been this week in any given situation.

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Recovering Sophomore Proudly Reaches Tenth Month of Denny's-Free Eating

Recovering Sophomore Proudly Reaches Tenth Month of Denny's-Free Eating

Florida State sophomore Dan Powers is proud to have made it into his second February as a student at Florida State, not only because he’s managed to stay exploratory for this long, but because he’s entering his tenth consecutive month of Denny’s-free dining.

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Student Finds $20 Bill Outside Psych Building, Unsure if in Experiment

Student Finds $20 Bill Outside Psych Building, Unsure if in Experiment

Donnatella Moss is a senior at Florida State, and, like all students who have an exploratory major for too long, she is a Psychology major. For some time she has vlogged about unconfirmed conspiracies involving the Psychology department, but now claims she has proof. This morning, she reported an uncomfortable incident that occurred earlier in the day.

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Student Realizes Resolutions ‘Weren’t Important Anyway’ After First Day

Student Realizes Resolutions ‘Weren’t Important Anyway’ After First Day

A new semester is here and Florida State students are returning to Tallahassee well rested and ready to take on the new year. Common resolutions include losing weight, studying more, and trying not to cry oneself to sleep as after experiencing the crushing realization that life is inherently meaningless and nothing matters.

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